


To Annoy a DM

by Dangerously_Demonic



Series: Finding a New Life [5]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Clayton's Sick of It All, LOKIYES, Lady Loki, Lokino, Other, Shit My Players Do, Slice of Life, [Loki distantly yoloing], rp stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-05-15 09:33:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14787962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dangerously_Demonic/pseuds/Dangerously_Demonic
Summary: After Thor, Loki, Clayton, and Xena regroup for another home brew D&D game, Loki proves to be an absolute little shit that pretty much wrecks Clayton's plan for the campaign.





	To Annoy a DM

**Author's Note:**

> I spent more time laughing than I did actual writing.

Clayton looked around the living area of the ship to do a final inspection. He’d done most of the cleaning the prior day but wanted to ensure there was nothing out of place. More than anything, it was something that his mom had drilled into him. ‘If you have guests, make sure your home is clean. No one wants to see a dirty house.’ He wasn’t entire sure why he was so worried. Thor had visited the ship numerous times over the years, but he supposed that all the prior times he didn’t have a mischievous toddler running around who was prone to leaving rooms in complete disarray.

A toddler who was currently being way, way too quiet.

However, a quick mental check told him the boy was taking a nap in his room. Loki breezed past, carrying the box for the tabletop game. They had chosen to upgrade the game from the old pen and paper after some of the pieces had eventually gotten lost. Clayton walked to the table where the game was being set up and frowned.

“Should you be looking like that. I mean Tho—”

“Thor won’t care.” Loki replied without looking up.

“He seriously won’t care that you’re currently sporting a pair of tits?”

Loki looked up with a vague expression of bafflement, “…No.”

“I mean, he’s seen you like that before a few times, like when you surprised us all at our wed--.”

“You’re thinking about this from an earth perspective, aren’t you?” Her expression had changed from bafflement to amusement, as if his concern was the silliest thing in the universe.

“Kinda, yeah.” Clayton plucked up his mug of coffee. “So, Asgardians treat genderbending different?”

“They don’t care.” Loki shrugged and stood up straight. Lightly, she flicked the bottom of her dress with the tip of her tail to adjust it; she’d adopted the female form of whatever race Clayton was for the time being…Which was how Kiddo had come along. It also suggested that she had plans of trying to coax him into sex once the campaign had ended.

At Clayton’s blank face, Loki rolled her eyes, “All Asgardians are expected to know how to fight. Unless they’re injured, children, elderly, pregnant, or are caring for someone, they’re part of the army. It doesn’t matter what’s between someone’s legs or who they want to fuck as long as they can fight. Furthermore, Thor knows quite well about my fluidity between sexes.”

“…Oh.” Well, that made things a lot easier. “I was worried he had an issue and was just too polite to say anything.”

“You’re adorable when you overthink things.”

“Oi. No need to be a bitch about things.”

“Excuse you. That’s Queen Bitch.” Loki threw him a smirk, completely unphased by the ‘insult’.

A sound from downstairs signaled Thor’s arrival, and sure enough the head of the Asgardian King poked up as he climbed up the ladder. He gave the two a broad smile and shook Clayton’s hand.

“Clayton! It’s good to see you.” He turned to Loki, the smile never faded. “Ah, Loki. You look wonderful. Where’s my nephew?”

“Sleeping, thankfully. He’s teething…again and being a little terror about it.” Clayton took a sip of his coffee, “Takes after his mother.”

“I see. Well, I brought him a gift.” Thor held up a handmade, stuffed toy. “The wife of one of my advisors made it.”

Loki took the toy and examined it critically before setting it on the counter, indicating that it had passed inspection. “I’m sure he’ll love it.”

Clayton settled himself down at the table and started setting up his side of the table. Xena’s side suddenly began rapidly flipping through holographic images as the AI generated her character. The two Asgardians took their respective seats.

“Hold up Xena. Are you guys wanting to roll new characters or use your old ones? The board saved all the information from the last campaign we did.”

“I don’t care either way.” Xena remarked.

“I like the paladin I rolled last time.” Thor commented and Loki simply made a noise of agreement behind her cup of tea.

Clayton nodded and tapped a few things on his side. Immediately, holographic representations of the characters appeared in front of the three. Thor had always kept the idea of a metal construct but had bounced between classes over the games they’d played. The current version was a paladin who served a lightning deity named after his long since destroyed hammer, Mjolnir. Xena had always kept her cyborg healer, remarking that it suited her the best. Clayton didn’t mind her using the character in more fantasy-based games and had once remarked ‘fuck the lore’. Loki had rarely kept the same character and class, usually opting to roll a new character. However, she had clearly enjoyed playing the human monk from their last game.

“Alrighty. After taking a much-needed vacation after the mess that was your last adventure, the three of you have decided to jump back into the adventuring life. In your travels, you wander across a village that has been clearly ravaged by a drought. The plants are wilted, the animals are dying, and the villagers look like they’re barely surviving. Thor, due to your connection to your god, you deduce that there’s magic fuckery going on.”

Thor snorted softly, “I think it would be best to talk to whoever’s in charge to find out what’s been going on.”

“Can I find someone to seduce?”

“Loki, no.” Automatically, Xena, Thor, and Clayton answered. It had become a bit of a running gag following their first game. It never failed that the first action Loki always tried was to seduce a NPC.

“Why not? It’s tradition. Besides, it’s not as if I ever succeed.”

Thor finally sighed, “Loki’s right. It _is_ tradition and we both know she’ll keep attempting to seduce things until you finally let her.”

“And that’s how Sleipnir came along.” Clayton couldn’t help but quip.

“Oh, fuck you!” It never failed to annoy Loki when a certain eight-legged equine was brought up and it was something that Clayton would forever bring up in arguments.

“…I did and that’s how we ended up with the little terror in the spare bedroom.” He grinned and finally gestured at the table. “Fine. Go seduce someone to get it over with. There’s some village woman tending to some scrawny chickens.”

“I roll to seduce the chicken woman.” Loki rolled her dice and gave Clayton a wide grin at the twenty. However, the smile quickly dropped when she saw the sheer shit eating grin her husband had. “…Clayton, no.”

“The villager woman is quite happy to see a dashing monk rather than the anemic looking men that her village has to offer and she happily invites you into her house. It doesn’t take much convincing on your part to get down and dirty. Right at your climax, the top of her head explodes…There’s a reason why your monk order is celibate. While you indeed got your jollies off, you also murdered her. Got laid tho’?”

Loki stared at Clayton for a moment before just facepalming and muttering something in Asgardian while trying not to laugh.

“So, you could say that the orgasm was mindblowing?” Of all people to utter the statement, Thor was the least likely. Yet, he sat there with an amused expression and a raised eyebrow.

“…I’m not even mad. I walked right into that one.” Clayton snickered a bit before throwing a bit of wadded up paper at Loki where it landed in her hair. “Oh yeah. You’re a murderer now.”

“I could have told you that.” Loki grumbled as she got up to fetch herself some tea.

“If we’re done humoring Loki’s need to fuck everything in the galaxy…Can we continue with the campaign?” Xena finally spoke up and then added after a half second, “Kiddo’s awake.”

“Yeah, agreed…And thanks Xena. Thor. The leader of the village steps out of his house to greet you. And immediately begs for your help in killing the necromancer whose magical artefact is laying waste to the local area.” Clayton leaned back a bit to look at Kiddo who’d wandered out of his room. Kiddo was three now, but still wobbled around a bit since he’d been late in learning to walk. He’d much preferred to scamper around on all fours for the first two years. Behind him, his tail flicked around while he lightly tugged at the mop of dark hair on his head with one hand and rubbed his jaw with the knuckles of the other.

At Thor’s questioning look, Clayton sighed, “He’s teething again and he’s been fussy since he started. Kiddo, jeet?”

“Nuh.” Kiddo climbed onto one of the stools and perched on it in order to survey what was going on at the table.

“I’ll get him applesauce since I’m up.” Loki glanced over at Kiddo before going to the fridge to make a small cup of it.

“Ah…What language was that?” Thor seemed puzzled.

Before Clayton could answer, Loki did. “Southern. He asked if Kiddo had eaten yet. Just don’t question it. He’s nearly impossible to understand when he gets drunk.”

“ _I_ can’t understand him and I’ve been around him for over five years.” Xena spoke up.

At this point, Clayton grinned and said something in a thick accent which prompted the two Asgardians to simply stare at him. Then he laughed at them before leaning down to see what Kiddo wanted. The boy only mumbled something out.

“Uhhuh. It’s a game.”

More mumbling.

“After you eat, but you have to ask him.”

Kiddo just made a slight nod and pulled over the cup of applesauce that had been put in front of him. More than anything, he seemed more interested in gnawing on the cold rubber of the spoon.

Clayton gestured at Thor to continue, “Sorry for the interruptions.”

“It’s fine. I reassure the village leader that we’re here to help and ask him for more information about the necromancer.”

“The necromancer has always been a part of the local area. He’s usually pretty benign. In exchange for the bodies of loved ones being given to him for reanimation, he protects the local area from roaming monsters, as well as helped keep everything bountiful. So…Excellent living while alive in exchange for eternal servitude in death. However, this changed in recent months. Rather than protecting the village, the reanimated army has been attacking them. Plus, there’s the issue of something draining away the life of…Well, everything.”

“Where’s the Necromancer located at?” Xena asked.

“The mountains to the north where he lives in a stone fortress. The village leader isn’t able to give much information beyond that. Any that go to the mountains never return. Presumably, they’re killed and then reanimated.” Clayton tapped a button and the map zoomed out to show the campaign area that he’d been working on last night. It was pretty basic since he’d decided to try his hand at making his own map rather than using pre-made maps that he’d gotten off the archive. Still, it had the village, an area that led to the mountains, and then a mountain stronghold. He hadn’t quite planned everything out beyond a loose idea. Prior campaigns had taught him that having a strict idea was usually a bad idea.

“…Do I need to roll to hide the body?” Loki looked down at the board where her character currently was.

“…You fucking killed someone by literally fucking their brains out. Of course, you need to roll to hide the body.” Clayton’s minor rant was cut short by Kiddo tugging on the sleeve of his shirt.

“Hm?”

Once more Kiddo said something impossible to understand.

“Ask him.”

Kiddo made a huffy noise before he bailed off the stool and walked over to Thor where he held his arms up in the universal ‘pick me up’ sign. “Uca Tor.”

Thor grinned and leaned down to pick Kiddo up. “How’s my little Warrior?”

Rather than replying, Kiddo snuggled down and rested his head against Thor’s shoulder so he could watch the game. As an afterthought, he wrapped his tail around his uncle’s forearm.

“Well, he wrapped his tail around you. He’s yours now.” Clayton grinned and then had to duck a tail swipe from Loki.

“That’s not funny.”

“ _I_ thought it was.” He shot Loki an innocent look, but finally shook his head. “Anyway. Roll to hide the body.”

Loki rolled a nine and immediately glared at her dice. “No. Don’t you start this shit again. I set fire to my last ones.”

“With the mess that was made, you rush to hide the body and end up shoving it into a wardrobe. However, in your rush you forget to clean up the blood and brains before you leave the house to meet back up with the rest of your group. Once you do…” Clayton rolled a dice, “Thor informs you of what’s been learned so far.”

“How frequent are the attacks?” Xena asked, suddenly.

Clayton made a soft noise as he finished up on a dice roll before writing something out on a piece of paper, then wadded it up before throwing it at Loki. “Infrequent. Usually once or twice each season.”

Loki glared at Clayton after she’d read what had been written on the paper but tucked it under her side of the board. At Thor’s questioning look, she shook her head. “We should probably move on and head for the stronghold. I doubt we’ll be able to get much more information from the villagers.”

“Loki is probably right. The villagers aren’t likely to know much about magic.” Thor agreed and leaned forward to get his drink but paused when Kiddo made a fussy noise. He sighed and leaned back, then gave the boy a fond look when he got himself comfortable again.

“Xena?” Clayton leaned forward and mumbled, “I got it,” as he nudged Thor’s glass closer to him. The Asgardian gave him a nod of thanks and picked up the glass to get a drink.

“I agree.”

“As you leave the village, there’s sudden yelling behind the three of you. Stumbling out of her house is the woman who Loki managed to fuck to death. Something’s caused her to come back as a zombie. While she doesn’t look much different, she’s very clearly dead…the fact that part of her head is missing attests to this. One of the villagers tries to kill her with a shovel, but rather than going for the head, they go for her torso. This only knocks her down and one of the villagers screams as she bites him.”

Thor sighed, “Loki…”

“This is your fault.” Xena finished for him.

“Don’t care, got laid.”

Thor jut shook his head and flipped through his character’s list of abilities, then made an interested noise. “Divine Smite has a bonus against undead…What’s ‘2d8, 5d8, and 1d8’?”

“Too much math that I’d rather not do. Just…Hm.” Clayton pondered for a moment. The campaigns weren’t really stat based in the sense of hit points, but he’d award experience to unlock new skills. So, the whole thing with additional dice had never applied…But how would he deal with this little issue? It’d never really come up in past campaigns.

“Ok. If you go with that attack, you’ll need to make two rolls. One to determine the damage you do to the zombie and the second one is how much energy your god infuses your weapon with.”

Thor gave a wide grin. “I will. I let out a mighty yell and run towards the zombie where I bring my great axe down on what remains of her head.” Seven.

He was about to make his second roll when Kiddo made an interested noise. Thor picked up the dice and held it out to Kiddo. “Want to help? Just throw it on the table.”

Kiddo nodded and picked the dice up out of his uncle’s hand, then tossed it onto the table. Seventeen.

“Well done, little Warrior! I should have you roll my dice for me since you seem to have better luck than I do.” Thor praised and lightly ruffled his nephew’s hair.

Kiddo squirmed slightly and turned a bit so he could better watch the game. Then, Thor jumped slightly at the sudden, rapid barrage of mental images from the boy he was holding.

“I think he’s getting better with his telepathy.”

“Did he just bomb you with a bunch of images?” Clayton asked and at Thor’s nod, he sighed and lightly scolded his son. “Kiddo. Use your words when we have guests.”

“...Nuh.”

Clayton rolled his eyes at the response. “He’s as stubborn as I am. We’re trying to get him into the habit of talking, but he doesn’t want to. Anyway. In your eagerness to smite the zombie, you miss her head and instead drive the axe head into her shoulder However, Mjolnir smiles upon you today and blesses your weapon with the energy needed to destroy the zombie. The villagers are thankful for your quick action and beg you to deal with the necromancer. As you leave, however, the villager that was bitten suddenly leans over and violently vomits. Thor, you can sense a growing darkness within him. It’s likely that whatever caused the woman to turn into a zombie can be transmitted via bite. You can either choose to kill him, or Xena can attempt to heal him.”

“Congrats, Loki. Your monk’s dick zombifies people. Everything further that happens in this campaign is entirely your fault. I roll to heal the villager.” Five. Xena grumbled and made a sound akin to a sigh, “Well, he’s dead.”

“…Wait. So…Wait. My monk, if he successfully seduces people, he can cause their heads to explode? Fuck it, I’m going to seduce everything!” A wide grin had formed on Loki’s face.

It was at that moment, that Clayton knew he’d fucked up. He just groaned and covered his face with his hands. “Loki…No…You can’t…”

“ _Loki, yes!_ ”

“…Why do I love you…?” Clayton sighed and sat up straight.

“Because I’m good with knives, good in a fight, and that sort of thing tur--.”

“Let’s not…Ugh. Because of Xena’s botched attempt at healing, the man rapidly turns into a zombie.” Clayton warily looked at Loki whose grin had never faded.

“I roll to seduce the zombie.”

 _Thunk_.

Clayton just folded his arms over the back of his head and stared at the floor before lightly hitting his forehead against the table a few times. He regretted many things in his life, but this was arguably ranking at the top. The sound of a dice clattering onto the table broke his momentary wallow in self-pity, but it was Thor’s groan and the near deranged sounding cackle from Loki that caused him to finally sit up.

Loki had rolled a nineteen.

Clayton stared at the dice for a solid ten seconds before simply getting up and fetching himself a beer. When he sat back down, he sighed. “…Fuck my life.”

“I’m down for some kin—”

“No. Just no. Let me drink my beer while I internally die over this entire idea. Ugh. Much to the horror of those around you, you somehow manage to seduce a fucking zombie…And further to the horror of those around you, have sex with it. Yes, its head explodes. Roll to defend against cock rot.” Clayton, at that moment, had decided to be a massive asshole.

“…Seriously?”

“If you’re gonna insist on fucking dead things, yes.”

Loki made an overly dramatic noise, ignored the vaguely disgusting expression her brother had, and rolled the dice. Seventeen.

“You’re lucky for this instance.”

“This is going to be a long ass campaign isn’t it? We haven’t even gotten out of the fucking village.” Xena somehow managed to sound as exasperated as Clayton felt.

“Agreed…Can we continue the story?” Thor sent Loki a bit of a frown and suspected this was only the start of the shenanigans.

“With disaster averted at the village, the three of you continue towards the mountains. Since the village is at the foothills, it really isn’t that far of a hike. However, as you get closer to the mountains, the life in the forest around you begins to drain away. The trees slowly wither and eventually die. Birds stop singing, and not even the insects chirp. Instead, you begin finding dried out carcasses. Some stripped of flesh, but others nothing more than dried skin on bones…But continuing on, you begin finding zombified animals. Unlike the human zombies, these flee from your presence. When you finally reach the path that leads up into the mountains, you’re greeted by a trio of armed skeletons. They immediately draw their weapons and the ominous glow in their eye sockets suggest they can’t be reasoned with.”

Before anyone else could speak, Loki did. “I roll to seduce a skeleton.”


End file.
